Lol!

A blonde a redhead and a brunette are on a burning building and the firefighters are below them with a net they yell to the brunette "JUMP JUMP!" so she jumps. at the last minute the firefighters move out of the way and the brunette hits the ground and dies.

Then the firefighters yell to the redhead "JUMP JUMP" She yells back down "I SAW WHAT YOU DID TO MY FRIEND HOW CAN I TRUST YOU?" They yell back "TRUST US" so she jumps and the firefighters do the same thing. T

hen the firefighters yell to the blonde, "JUMP JUMP" so she yells back "I SAW WHAT YOU DID TO MY FRIENDS SO I WANT YOU TO PUT THE NET DOWN ON THE GROUND AND BACK AWAY"

ASSASSIN TEST FOR MEN AND WOMEN.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists...2 men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another, six in a row. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks," she said, "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Moral: Never put a woman to the test.

lol LOR n LAW

Malaysian Law Student
UK Immigration Officer talks with new trainee : "You will find that 80% of M'sians come to UK to study Law" Trainee : "Really .......?? We must have really good Law institutions here then.......?" Officer: "You know, there ought to be a lot of lawyers in Malaysia." Trainee: "Oh, really......? That's really something I never knew. Hard to believe. In fact, Malaysia is not a big country, I've been there., you know." Officer: "I'll prove it to you. You just stand here until the next Malaysian comes along and I'll bet he's here to study Law. Trainee waits for the next influx of visitors at the immigration check point. After going through a few passports he finally chanced upon a M'sian passport. Trainee: " Mr Chong Ah Kow, welcome to Britain. Please state the purpose of your visit" Mr Chong Ah Kow :
" Study lorr....."

THIS MUST COUNT AS THE BEST MOTHER-IN-LAW JOKE!

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the Skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" "My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

lol-->just now

The Aging Explorer

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer.

The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India.

I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me.

Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us.

I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled.

The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"

front n back =D

On a crowded public SBS bus, an Ah Lian got aboard and refused to budge from the her position near the front door. H

er only response to the demands from the bus driver was, “Wah ai go Or-Chard Load!”

Nothing the bus driver did could make her move to the rear of the bus.

Finally, a passenger whispered something into the Ah Lian’s ear, whereupon she immediately made her way to the back.

Surprised, the bus driver asked the passenger how he managed to do it.

The passenger smiled and said, “I told her that the front of the bus goes to Jurong while the rear will take her to Orchard Road.”

^^

OBSERVATION

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First they see two people going into the house.

Time passes.

After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate."

The Biologist: "They have reproduced."

The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."

a bunch of jokes(8) >=D

1)Newton discovered gravity seeing apple falling from tree at the age of 23. i wonder why he didnt get this idea while shitting for 23 years

2)Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby. But he was born without ears. Johnny and his mum and dad went to visit the baby and Johnny was warned not to mention its ears or he would get a spanking. Johnny looked in the cot and said what a lovely baby. Lovely feet, hands and skin. How's his eyesight. The baby's mother said it was perfect. Johnny replied "thats great cos he'd be f****d if he needs glasses !!


3)"Why is a woman like a hurricane? Cos when she comes shes all wet and wild, and when she leaves she takes your house and car..

4)He took me from a bar. He took me in his car. He took my top off. He puts his lips on mine, but don't worry: I'm a bottle of wine!

5)An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!""Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!"

6)A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, I would liketo buy some cyanide"The pharmacist asked, " Why in the world do you need cyanide?"The lady replied "I need it to poison my husband."The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds ofbad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of herhusband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

7)Hitler walks in to a bar and sits down
Bartender: HOLY SHIT! your'e Adolf hitler! what have you been up to all theese years?
Hitler: i have been hiding in a hole all the time
Bartender: So what will you do now that you are back?
Hitler: kill millions of jews and a parrot
Bartender: Why would you kill a parrot?
Hitler: SEE! i told you no one cares about the jews!

8)A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with herparents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriendthat after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy,a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because hethinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come onin!"The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parentsare seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

-_-

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago.""Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

LOL xDDDDDDDDDDD

A pirate walks off his ship.

He has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his right eye.

He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls.

Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.

The pirate replies, "Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day,and a wave washed me overboard.

Then, a hungry shark attacked me and bit me leg off.

"The little boy then asks, "How did you lose your hand?"

"Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them boys cut me hand off.

Me doc couldn't find a hand, so he gave me this hook."

Next, the little girl asks, "How did you lose your eye?"

"Well, I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just as I looked up,a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye."

The children, now thoroughly confused, ask, "How did that cause you to lose your eye?"

The pirate explains, "Well, it was me first day with the hook."

LOL!!!!!!Hongkie, Singaporeans, Indonesians and Malaysians..

GOOD REASONS FOR BEING A HONGKIE

1. We're Hongkies and not Chinese.
2. We can talk and shout and nobody gives a damn.
3. Jackie Chan is our icon.
4. We can live in 5' x 5' cubicle and call it luxury apartment.
5. Our children can speak Cantonese at a young age.
6. We get to blame everything on Feng Shui or Tung Chee Hwa or the mainland communists.
7. No one can threaten Hong Kong , except the few expatriate from Cathay Airlines (Pilots) who are now on strike.
8. Gambling is more interesting than sex, that's why we're Hongkies.
9. We produce a lot of Ms.Hong Kong to the enjoyment of the rich and famous.

GOOD REASONS FOR BEING A SINGAPOREAN

1. We're not Chinese
2. Everyone (especially the Malaysian) hates us, except ourselves.
3. Famous for Orchard Road .
4. We have our own island.
5. Proud of our world class Airport, world class MRT, world class airline, world class telco......score "one" against Manchester Utd but kena 8 in return.
6. We know how to spell 'Salvatore Ferragamo'.
7. We know how to enjoy our vacation in M'sia - keep a few RM50 notes before you enter the highway: You can throw anything, anytime, anywhere and always wash our cars at the resort.
8. The men are always concerned, first question to ask a girl "Do you have CPF?"
9. Never fear of getting lost in our country - S$20 taxi ride will get you into the sea.
10. We'll never have to worry about finding Mr or Ms right coz Govt will find one for us.
11. 1 Sing dollar = 2.3 ringgit.....nyeh-nyeh-nyeh... (after last Sat Match we will get less)
12. It's OK to be Kiasu. It's part of our culture. GOOD REASONS FOR BEING AN

INDONESIAN

1. We are not Australian.
2. We live in the biggest country in South East Asia .
3. No pirates in Indonesia water if you exclude the Navy and Coast guards.
4. Everything is cheap, even our salaries....
5. We can blame everything to Suharto or BJ Habibie or Gus Dur or Megawati or....
6. Only in Indonesia you can get involved in real demonstrations daily for different causes and see no results.
7. Our Rupiah is like a Yo Yo, it can go up and down just b'coz IMF say so...
8. We burn everything and nobody gives a damn
9. We don't need fire-fighters as our neighbours will provide...


GOOD REASONS BEING A MALAYSIAN

1. World tallest Building, Best F1 circuit, biggest pewter mug, highest standard of university admission...coz Malaysia Boleh !
2. We can be driving, picking our nose, cursing another driver, talking on the handphone, adjusting radio and bribing the cop at the same time.
3. Divorce by sending SMS.
4. Traffic summoned can be settled on the spot with the cop.
5. Teh Tarek & Roti Canai is the favourite supper.
6. We can save a lot of electricity b'coz our TV shows are so crappy.
7. We can blame everything on the haze or George Soros or government or opposition parties or.....
8. Resourceful City Council, one person to drive the van, one to carry the ladder, one to change a street's bulb and three others watching.......
9. We make 2 lane trunk roads into 3 lane highway and back to 2 lane when cops are sighted
10. There's always something for the JKR to do. They dig, resurface the road, dig and resurface........
11. All main roads are designated highway coz it gives Samy Veloo a reason to collect toll.
12. Our Govt. can never be wrong.
13. Our people here evendon't know anythink at school can go to Univercity and get degree.
14. Politician can buld Houses at Goverment land without paying anything or any approval.
15. Our governmentcan change any rules and regulation that you cannot asked, if you voice out you go behind bar (ISA) Internal Security Act

=========================COPY LEFT(mai leech)=========================

Lol who's ur in-charge?

The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

Each organ took a turn to speak up:

Brain....... .. I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood....... . I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.
Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.
Legs........ . I should be in charge because I take the brain where it wants to go.
Eyes........ . I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's going.
Asshole..... I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.

All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad.

To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.

Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief
Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly
Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable
Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred
Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body
Day 6 -The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.


MORAL OF THE STORY: "NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE THAT IS IN CHARGE".

lol mice boasting xD

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says:"When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot.

When the bar comes down,I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times.

"The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila.

He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar.

He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home.

In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.

"The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two,"I don't have time for this bullshit.

I gotta go home and fark the cat."